The Changing of the Seasons
By Clay Hightower, LICSW
We have now entered a season that in many ways signals transition between one year and the next. The changing of Daylights Savings Time means that it is now dark before many of us leave work for the day. The changing of the season and temperature, although sometimes harder to predict in Alabama, also changes people’s routines and activities. Most importantly, the holiday season being on the horizon means a break from the normal routine, sometimes making plans for travel, and trying to plan gatherings. For me, this combination has always pushed me to look forward to the warmer and less busy times beyond the horizon in the new year, but I am now trying to change the way I approach this period. How I spend my time during it and who I choose to spend that time with has noticeably changed in the last few years, and I have felt the call to slow down and pay attention to this transition period.
For a long time, Thanksgiving, and the general holiday season, was a time when I could count on all of my friends to be home from school to visit family. My own breaks away from work and school were always appreciated, but it was really what I did with those breaks that allowed me to enjoy them the most. It meant reuniting at the same friend’s house that we always gathered at in years past, reminiscing, updating, and enjoying each other’s company. It also offered me opportunities to see my own family, part of which I did not see any time other than the holidays. Even though the planning and traveling part of the holiday was not always pleasant or enjoyable, I knew there was something waiting for me on the other side of that task that would be nourishing and rewarding. Now, I have aged out of the school schedule, friends have moved, and I have gained and lost family members. The way in which I celebrate and use this time has changed, and mainly in ways that I would not have predicted. In many ways, the holiday season serves as a liminal state, not just between one calendar year and the next like I mentioned above, but also as a space between stages of life where traditions and experiences can change.
A liminal state is simply the place between what once was and what soon will be. Liminal states can be as small as a change in how I spend my leisure time, like what happens during the changing of the seasons, or as large as changes in relationship, career, or physical health and ability. The defining feature of any liminal state is not the magnitude of the change but the effect that the change, and sometimes loss, has on me, typically in the form of emotional pain and uncertainty. This has been most notable around my family’s celebration of the holidays as members have moved and passed away. Like any liminal state, there is space for me to inhabit this holiday season. The space can feel big and lonely at times because I know who and what used to fill it. Sometimes I do not want to feel what comes in this state because not only is it uncomfortable, but I cannot go back or undo the change. However, I have come to learn that it is important for me to feel the largeness and sadness of the space. It does not provide me with a clear roadmap through the time period, but it helps me understand how I got here.
When I pause and reflect on the past holiday seasons and what I feel now, I know that part of what I miss is simplicity. I never had to make decisions about which group of loved ones I was going to spend the time with or who was going to bring what to make the experience what it is. All I had to do was help load up the car when my parents said it was time to go or be on time making the drive home to be able to join the celebration. Like the land of Oz, it felt more magical when I was younger and did not know what was going on behind the curtain. When I can acknowledge that I am in this space and can allow myself to feel it, I can begin to create the roadmap myself. I feel the call to find new ways to maintain those relationships that were once so easy to foster. I feel the call to create new traditions, and meaning within said traditions, with loved ones. Last year, I wrote about how I felt this call to make dressing for my partner’s family Thanksgiving. The recipe did not turn out exactly how I wanted it to, but I enjoyed every moment of making it and sharing it with them. Now I’m looking forward to making my piece of this year’s celebration and sharing it with them. Its macaroni and cheese, so the stakes are high.
The simplicity is one aspect of the holiday that I do not think will come back in the same way that it did when I was a growing up, but that is okay. The more that I step into this new role and new space in my life, the more I can recognize that there are aspects of it that I really do value. I hope that as I have written about my experience with these transitions that it will stir up your own fond memories of holiday experiences and traditions, your own journey in these spaces, and your own intentions for this holiday season. Holiday celebrations rarely, if ever, match up with those Hallmark-style expectations, but I know that when I choose to practice mindfulness about where my time and attention goes during those celebrations, I feel grounded and at peace. My sincere hope is that all of you will be able to do the same this season.
Happy holidays from The Moore Institute!
