“What’s Love Got to Do with It?”
By Clay Hightower, LICSW
When I began studying languages other than English, I was surprised to learn that other languages, like Greek, have so many different versions of the word for love compared to our singular term. Some of the meaning of the original Greek words has been inserted into various English terms, both related and unrelated, but the language itself has lost this way to more accurately explain what many describe as an unexplainable experience. Depending on the information source, you may see discussion of as many as nine different forms of love in the Greek language. I am choosing to focus on the six forms that I consider to be more primary forms of love and how I believe that language loss has affected our ability to understand and be understood.
- Eros is the kind of love that one would most likely think of around Valentine’s Day. Eros is passionate or intimate love, although it is not always in a physical or sexual nature. Plato argued that Eros is more about seeking truth and understanding than physical attraction or gratification, and that the focus shifts from the latter to the former as the relationship strengthens.
- Agape is the kind of love that is taught in many religious or spiritual practices, a selfless love rooted in care, compassion, or respect of others. The word is typically used to describe the love between a religion’s higher power and their follower, as well as between followers, although it has also been used to describe that form of love in familial relationships.
- Philia is one of the roots of Philadelphia, or “the city of brotherly love.” While the two former kinds of love have an intimate or emotive quality to them, Philia is more closely related to the other three forms of love in that it describes a more platonic or virtuous kind of love. While these forms of love are more platonic, that does not mean that they are not romantic or intimate at all. It simply means that romance or intimacy is not the primary function of the relationship. Philia is typically reserved for family, friends, and those in communities that I might belong to, and it signifies a deep connection, respect, and equality between the parties.
- Storge is similar to Philia in that they belong to the more platonic grouping of loves, but it is typically used to describe familial, or instinctual, love. Interestingly, it would be used all along the spectrum of familial love, whether it would be a willingness to do anything for the other person or the tolerance you might show an unpleasant extended family member. The hallmark of this type of love is in the foundation and longevity of its relationships.
- Ludus is a particularly interesting form of love because of the unique nature of the relationship. Ludus describes a playful, aloof kind of love that may come to mind when one thinks of a childhood crush or early teenage relationship, although it is certainly not age-limited. This type of love is rooted in sharing fun and enjoyable experiences together, and this type of love tends to be less commitment-based. Sometimes, the formation and function of the relationship is more for the fun than the connection itself, which is what distinguishes it from the other forms.
- Philautia is the last of the more notable Greek words for love. Although I had not heard of it previously, I did choose to include it in the list because it highlights one of the most notable reasons that I find this loss of language as impactful as I do (which will be further discussed in a later post). Philautia is simply “self-love.” In the same way that the other forms of more platonic love would show respect, appreciation, or fondness for another, Philautia seeks to apply that to oneself.
While this may seem like a largely inconsequential topic, so many of the issues that clients seek out therapy for are related to relationships, communication issues, and feeling misunderstood or confused about their own emotions. Mindfulness is one of the first skills I teach to clients to help them explore their issues. The goal in these situations is for clients to work towards noticing when these issues begin to arise, practice emotional regulation skills, and either be able to continue addressing whatever situation brought on these feelings or find a different way to approach said problem.
In relationship, this skill can be most beneficial when I am trying to communicate with somebody else who may also be experiencing a high level of emotion, like a partner in an argument, without placing blame and creating a cycle of defensiveness and criticism. In general, the simpler and more specific I can be with my language, the more likely I am to be understood. I am sure that I am not alone in the experience of having something frightening or frustrating happen to me, seeking out support from a loved one, and then either not having the words to describe it or having the explanation being misinterpreted. For example, while “I am freaking out” is a statement that many would correctly interpret, saying “my chest is getting tight, and my thoughts are racing” helps to present the information differently.
However, as it relates to communicating within a relationship, even if I am able to practice mindfulness, self-soothe, and try to continue communicating, I would still need to find more words to attempt to quantify the extent to which I feel love. Simply stating “I love you” opens up the possibility that the other person will hear the version of the word “love” that they wish to. It also leaves the word open to interpretation based on the other person’s own relationships and understanding of love.
One of the more common ways that I see individuals try to work with this communication issue is by using comparisons, such as “love you like a mother/father/brother/sister/friend.” While these comparisons can get you closer to those more specific words like Storge or Philia, my experience is that these phrases are often well-intentioned ways to soften the rejection of romantic love. Other phrases that seem to fill the same function are “but not in that way” or “but not like that.” This does not make the statement or feeling any less truthful or accurate, but it does seem to create a hierarchy of these forms of love, with romantic love being at the top. So much of the language that we use to describe our romantic loves, such as our soulmate, other/better half, or love of our life, seems to reinforce this hierarchy. My intention is not to try and knock romantic love down a peg just before Valentine’s Day but to explore whether these different forms of love should be compared and why the comparison matters. Next week, I intend to dive further into my understanding of the impact of the language change and begin to share how I see it applying across relationships of all kinds. In the meantime, I sincerely hope that everyone reading has a wonderful Valentine’s Day weekend!
