One of the more beautiful things about these different forms of love is the nuance that the language creates. They may share similar themes, like Philia and Storge being more affectionate than intimate, but they created a clearer distinction of relationships that seemed to be culturally understood and explored. What I know to be true is that relationships function better with clearer boundaries around the goal or nature of the relationship. Without clearer boundaries, the two parties in relationship might have vastly different expectations about who performs which roles and how each party intends to fulfill their end of the agreement. When I am working with couples, I frequently see these different expectations result in fear, anger, and sadness directed at the other individual. Most of the time, there is at least one partner in the relationship that believes their efforts are not matched in certain aspects of the relationship, typically sexually, financially, or with handling other responsibilities of shared lives. I will not try to make the argument that simply having more specific terms and definitions for relationship types would translate into individuals being more willing or able to meet the other party’s needs, whether in a romantic relationship or not. However, I do not set boundaries in relationships with the goal of changing the other person’s behavior. I set boundaries in relationships to let others know how I would like to be treated and how I would not like to be treated.
So, I see one of the primary issues around the loss of this language as being more complex. Not only could it affect my ability to easily engage in more realistic expectation setting for both parties in relationship, whether consciously or unconsciously, but it also means that I would have to find a different way to do that expectation setting. One of the most basic human desires is to understand where and how I fit in relation to others. Interactions in my relationships can become more scrutinized when I feel that I need this information to help me understand. I have noticed myself doing it in the past, both around romantic and non-romantic relationships. I would pay more attention to the specific words that they would use to describe me and the relationship when talking amongst ourselves and with other people, rather than being fully present in the conversation itself.
In my own profession, I see this applied through the lens of the ethics of dual relationships. According to my ethical guidelines, I am unable to have had, currently have, or ever have another form of a relationship with a client outside of the established therapeutic relationship. The intention of this guideline is not solely to preclude those relationships but to clearly delineate the purpose of the therapeutic relationship and strengthen the positive qualities of it. When this is understood between the therapist and client, it leads to better rapport and overall outcomes. Both the therapist and client do not feel the same worry about hurting the other’s feelings that might happen in a personal relationship, and I feel more comfortable as a therapist giving more difficult feedback. Clients also seem to welcome this understanding and be more open in response. Again, the intention of that is not to personally challenge the client but to offer information that they may not be able to get on their own or in other ways.
By itself, understanding is not always enough, but I firmly believe that people function better with information. When individuals can understand what they are feeling and what is happening in the environment around them, I am constantly amazed at what they are able to experience and survive. It allows them to not become as stuck in the fear of what they do not know and why they do not know it and instead focus on what is possible or available with the information that they have now. Interestingly enough, I see this more working with individuals in their family relationships than their romantic relationships. The cultural significance and ingrained physical and emotional closeness together can make those relationships difficult to navigate even for those who do not place a high personal value on them. When I discuss these relationships and how to work with them, clients will sometimes talk about their need for an acknowledgement of what has happened, an apology for what has happened, or a change in the closeness of the relationship. The constant that runs through all of these conversations with clients is a desire to understand. At this stage in the process, many have had no choice but to accept and come to terms with the fact that their loved ones are imperfect. That is a painful but necessary part of the human experience.
Ultimately, I see this as the great loss of the language. I recognize that it seemingly has little to do with the Greek or English words themselves but the vacuum that exists in their absence. We cannot know the true impact with any certainty, but I do know that humans have a need to understand and make sense of their experiences, relationships, and life. It is what helps our identity and helps our ego create the story that guides so much of our behavior. If I do not have the intellectual and experiential skills to understand what is happening to me, my ego will come up with the explanation that makes the most sense to me. This leads my ego to comparing and contrasting what is happening now to what has happened before, like experiences in relationships, whether it is applicable or not. It makes sense to me, then, that I would come up with a hierarchy or basis of comparison for relationships, not because I inherently value certain forms relationships more than other forms of relationships, but rather because I would prefer for information to fit neatly and make sense to me. Just like understanding gives individuals ways to unstick and focus on what is possible, avoiding comparisons and focusing on the ways in which one relationship is better or worse can allow me to see whatever relationship more clearly and to value it on its own benefit.
While these posts were originally intended to focus on external relationships, I have continued to see parallels with Philautia, or self-love, and the way in which that language loss could be just as impactful. Keep an eye out for my next post, where I hope to discuss how I see self-love discussed in the mental health and addiction world!
