Clay Hightower, LMSW
If you missed my previous posts on the Four Horsemen and Relapse, check out my two previous posts on Addiction Recovery Intensive and Moore Institute Facebook page.
During conflicts, I will often ask my couples counseling clients the question “Would you like to feel correct, or would you like to feel happy?” They frequently respond with incredulous looks. How could I ask something so ridiculous and seemingly obvious? Of course they want to be happy, otherwise they would not have come to see a therapist. Unfortunately, for these clients, and many others, their behavior does not match their answer to that question.
Being stuck in a cycle of attacking and defending behavior against a loved one or your own internal critic can be an overwhelming and stifling experience. It can feel as though there is no outcome where everyone feels satisfied, validated, and ready to move forward. With each complaint or criticism filed, the number of arguments or explanations that would address the problem diminishes. With each instance of past behavior brought back up, potentially even after one thought that issue was settled, the number diminishes even further. With each acknowledgement of how this behavior has caused harm to oneself or a loved one, the number diminishes to a near non-existent level.
The feelings of fear and shame begin to rise to the surface as one is confronted with the fact that their behavior has negatively impacted another. The overwhelming physiological response kicks in, and one’s mind begins to swirl. What will happen if I admit to making a mistake? Will this be held over my head in future conflicts? Will I ever be able to move on from this event? What long-term impact will this have that I cannot see now?
The physiological warning signs for defensiveness (fear and shame) reported most commonly by clients includes warmth and redness in the face and neck, tightness in the chest, an uneasy or empty feeling in the stomach, and clenching of muscles in my arms and back. It is easy to see how these experiences can be interpreted as anger, both by the person experiencing it and the outside observer.
Now left with an uncomfortable emotional experience and few, or no, logical explanations for the situation, one feels they are left with no other options than to remain firm in their original position and try to rationalize the behavior or attack the behavior of the other. This will only further reinforce the anger response of defensiveness in an attempt to avoid feeling fear and shame, and it will stifle any opportunities to shift the perspective of the conflict away from who is right or wrong and towards a solution-focused stance. This aligns perfectly with our understanding of the second phase of the relapse process, the Crisis Building Phase. We believe that an inability to practice the skills mentioned in my previous post allows stressful, but normal, life circumstances to escalate into larger, more dangerous situations. One loses a sense of competency and agency, and one begins to feel as if the situation is becoming too difficult to manage. The thought process stops being “How do I handle what is under my control and practice damage control?” and becomes “I cannot do anything to solve this. How can I get relief from this unavoidable situation?
For example, I once had a client who initially believed that he was having a normal conversation with his partner about a movie they had just finished watching. He absolutely loved the movie, and he was excited to compare their perspectives. He was quickly caught off guard by the fact that his girlfriend did not enjoy the movie at all. In fact, she believed that a pivotal piece of the plot did not make sense, and it ruined the movie for her. He was confused and began asking questions to better understand her opinion, but the truth is that he wanted to convince her to see the movie the way he did (ignoring self-talk). He also ignored his body’s response to the rising level of conflict in the conversation (poor regulation skills), and he continued to try to convince her the entire car ride home (unhealthy communication behavior). Once home, the conversation escalated into an argument as she had become tired of his badgering. He realized it had become a much bigger event than it should have, but he did not know how to end it at this point. The argument continued until he believed he had caused serious harm to the relationship. He decided that the only thing that would fix the situation would be to leave and seek relief elsewhere. He went out and drank that night.
I use this example as it highlights how what is a small and unassuming event can quickly be blown out of proportion and have unforeseen consequences. Here are some helpful tips to combat defensiveness in the moment:
Accepting responsibility. Arguably the most difficult of all the tips to implement, accepting responsibility for one’s behavior is the solution to defensiveness, as identified by the Gottmans. In most situations, there is not an absolute perpetrator and an absolute victim. Each individual is responsible for their own behavior, even in response to someone else’s initial behavior. Taking responsibility for and apologizing for one’s role, no matter how big or small, will likely cause the other person to also soften in response.
Enforcing timeouts. Practicing proactive self-regulation skills is a vital life skill and can help self-soothe in stressful situations, but some situations feel too large to respond to in the moment. Recognizing this, asking for a timeout, and removing oneself physically from the situation, if possible, can help slow the swirl of anxious thoughts. It can remove the pressure to respond and have the solution in the moment, and it can allow one time and space to think of other solutions or ask for help from others.
Get feedback. Trying to address these situations alone can be a dangerous venture. It limits one’s problem-solving abilities only to what one can come up with, and it keeps them isolated. This feeling of isolation not only makes it more difficult to reach out for help if the situation worsens, but it can reinforce the feelings of fear and shame. It can also continue to reinforce unhealthy beliefs such as “man up.” Instead, consciously acknowledging these feelings and unhealthy beliefs will help one be more able to see the situation from another perspective as well as allowing others to give more accurate and helpful advice.
I hope that these tips will be helpful for everyone, and be on the lookout for my post on contempt next week!
